A.V

It’s the 31st,  a few hours before the new year rings in. I am driving  amid the decorations,  midst the slow descent of dew and fog,  as horns scream,  as blobs of light streak past me. Cold air cuts through,  finding its way between my fingers and jacket,  numbing my hands and face,  numbing my heart that only wants to believe  that I am worthy of love, even when I make mistakes. Even when I am not impressive.  Even when I take up space quietly.  Even when every fibre in me  argues the opposite. I am worthy of being here, right? I am deserving of kindnes,s right? I am deserving of warmth... right? The wind runs through my hair,  loosens it.  I move through roundabouts,  corners, familiar lanes,  thinking only to myself. I love winters for all their beauty  and for this feeling. For my little heart  working its hardest to keep me warm  while the world presses cold against it.  It endures...

  Slept at 3 AM. In the last 65 hours, only 3 hours of sleep. Woke up at 12:30 PM. Mind still hazy. Eyes were hurting last night, almost asking to be closed, yet the mind didn't want sleep. I tried laying down, but the heart was uneasy. Been cold to friends and family in the past few days. Is this insomnia? Mind's tired, body too, yet sleep doesn't come. Even when it does, I refuse to fall. I can't handle the silence in this room. I fill it up with songs I don't want to listen to, podcasts I play in the background some comforting, some just to fill the space. Mostly Hermitcraft. Or anime. Or dramas. Been loving the series I recently started, The First Frost. I love watching how the female lead perfectly portrays how an INFJ lives the small bits, the silence, the feelings of self-worth, the coldness, the softness, the calmness. All of it. I find myself in it. Why don't I sleep? Maybe instead of wasting time trying to fall asleep, I can do something. Or maybe I ju...

I am cold, even after wearing these layers  I am cold. The night's young; the moon's full, breeze stealing past me robbing me of any warmth  that this heart  could provide. Numbness takes over, it doesn't hurt,  doesn't ache. Like a companion  it settles beside me, and I don't mind it.  There's a familiarity to this cold, that hugs me, and somehow, this feels home.  Depressed songs accompany me. The body walks, moving on its own. I see, blobs of light streak past,  people blur in a distance.  Soon I reach the place; walls protect from the wind. I place an order, One masala Dosa. I watch them teaching their child, while they Prep my order.  A smile creeps across my face.  A shiver runs down the spine. The heart warms up from this sight, soon my order comes. My numb fingers remember warmth. The Dosa, fills me  And for a moment,   the world returns A.V

We agreed to walk alone now   But MY body did not sign that treaty. You engraved your fingerprints   over every inch of my skin.   No soap lifts them.   No alcohol burns them away. Perhaps I will have to deskin myself   just to forget. My body conditioned now to fall into YOUR arms   over every small thing. You whisper in my ear, warm My heart, a thing that just melts melts as your breath lingers close to me. Being away from you,   Aches. I flinch when someone touches me   not because it hurts   But because it isn’t YOU. My skin remembers   how you traced its curves,   How easily I became yours. Maybe  I never wanted to unlearn you.   Maybe  I just wanted to learn myself  without you. A.V