2 AM

 It’s 2AM.

The night is young. The light is dim.
Sleep has vanished, music hums in my headphones,
I’m hugging a warm shawl—
and I’m thinking.

NEET is just a few days away,
and truthfully, I was more prepared last year than I am now.
So… have I wasted this year?
To others, it might seem like I have—especially when the marks come.
No matter how good or bad an exam goes, I always say: “It was average.”
Even when I know I’ve filled half the answers incorrectly,
those are the only words my lips can mumble.

But for me, this year wasn’t a waste.
It taught me things—
About myself. About life. About choices.
Still, I wish I had made the decision to pursue psychology earlier.

What I don’t know is this:
Am I drawn to psychology because it’s what I truly want,
or because I haven’t studied enough for NEET and it feels like a safer dream?
I don’t feel the same urge to study anymore.
I keep saying the exams don’t stress me,
but the thought of people—
of explaining this shift to them—
makes my heart heavy.

How do I tell everyone that I want to pursue psychology,
when I’ve spent so long telling them I want to be a doctor?

Looking back, I don’t feel the same motivation for medicine that I used to.
I don’t even know why.
Maybe it doesn’t make sense.
But these are my thoughts—
raw, unedited, real.

My mind is blank.
It’s been a while since I opened my books.
I feel fragile, like I could break any minute.
And I think it’s only the personas I wear
that are keeping me from falling apart.

Right now,
all that’s holding me together
is this shawl around my shoulders.
Soft. Still. Safe.
A.V.