It's Hard

It's hard, 

being kind to oneself.

When every cell in you screams 

you don't deserve the softness,

the warmth of comfort. 

When your demons rage 

to engulf the small soft corner 

you were nurturing.

Everything comes tumbling down,

like dominos,

one after another.

Your feet freeze.

A weight settles on your chest.

Breath shortens.

Vision blurs.

Then they fight.

It was just a mistake, you're allowed to be human.

Fuck you.

A mistake is something you’re not allowed to make.

You ruin things. You cause damage.

Don’t listen to that voice, child.

It’s wrong.

Then why are you frozen?

Why can’t you speak?

You know exactly what you did.

It was you. 

It was fucking you.

You don't deserve the kindness.

But.....

You don't deserve to be alive.

Better die. Right.

What have those softer voices ever given you?

Permission to be imperfect?

Permission to be kind?

Let me remind you

When you don’t want to be a burden,

you are not allowed mistakes.

You are not allowed to be a child.

You are eighteen now.

Be an adult.

And there you stand,

in the middle of white and blue,

surrounded by doctors and interns.

Don't you think this is home.

Fucking child.

A.V