There are Days

There are moments.
Like the time when the night city life accompanied me
walking down lanes, after
hours of studying in a cafe, after
quelling my hunger with dosa, after
finishing a book.
"A day well spent", I whispered to myself.
Content in my own company.
Grinning childishly all the way home.
occasionally skipping along the way.
The air felt cold,
the kind that embraces you in autumn.
The kind that makes solitude feel like companionship.
The kind that makes being alive feel quietly enough.

Then,

There are days
when all I do is count my mistakes
and curse this wretched self
that freezes at the slightest conflict.
Nights, my mind fails to surrender to sleep.
Falling down a spiral that I hide,
as if asking for help would be shameful.
Days I find doing anything impossible.
As I lay in the bed watching the ceiling, as things stack up
Dishes to clean, cloths to wash, floor to mop, room to tidy.
I whisper to myself, "Stagnation kills".
Knowing full well, yet I fail to move onwards.
Sometimes shaking from anxiety,
as I wish to die.

I feel the weight of life
more in some moments than others.
Still, I try to move onwards,
even when my heart is shaking.
Even when my feet stay frozen.
Even when my mind goes numb.
Even when my eyes feel lifeless.
This mind often forgets
all that it has already survived.
It counts failures with perfect accuracy,
but resilience with astonishing neglect.
And perhaps that is its cruelty.
Or perhaps only its exhaustion.
And so, I live
A.V